Survival Satire Gifts

BARBER

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

"How the hell is that supposed to feed us?"

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

"This better be high tide."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

"At least my putting has improved."

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'It's day to day, but so far I've survived,'

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Stay in school.

Koool sunglasses, only $10-.

Woman on desert island reads message she finds in a bottle: 'It's an ad for a diet club.'

"Miss Reed, could you please bring me a palm tree and some ragged clothes?"

Look! A penny!

"Will you quit listening to your ten all-time favorite albums and help me find some food!"

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"