Survival Satire Gifts

BARBER

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"How the hell is that supposed to feed us?"

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

"At least my putting has improved."

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"This better be high tide."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

'It's day to day, but so far I've survived,'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Stay in school.

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"

Koool sunglasses, only $10-.

Woman on desert island reads message she finds in a bottle: 'It's an ad for a diet club.'

Look! A penny!

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