Sunday Newspaper Routine Gifts

"I'm going to get a paper. Be right back."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'That was fun!'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

Friday

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

A child interrupting family prayers

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Reading the sports pages.

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'Scientists say that crosswords activate brain...'

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"I've seen a tulip before."

"We missed you at church Sunday."