Reading Newspaper Gifts

"Have you consider the possibility that I don't want the paper?"

"If you want to vent your anger about politicians, dear, go into the garden and dead head some flowers."

"God has chosen to ignore my prayers concerning the outcome of this year's election, and so I feel that I am once again free to be a very bad little boy."

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

'That was fun!'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

Reading the sports pages.

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

'Scientists say that crosswords activate brain...'

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

"I've seen a tulip before."

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

Netanyahu versus Gantz

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

Dog bringing paper and paper boy.

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

Paper Boy

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."