Newspaper Reader With Flair Gifts

Queen with a crown-shaped hairdryer.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

"Why don't you ever fetch anything good like a pizza?"

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

Reading the sports pages.

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

Fear of news.

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

"I've seen a tulip before."

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

'I'm in the den, mom, reading the newspaper for my social studies class.'

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

"Are those my slippers?!"

When Dogs Appear To Be Thinking.

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

"Have you consider the possibility that I don't want the paper?"

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

'Hey look I got a free newspaper with my wallchart of north sea molluscs aand DVD of elbow stretching excercises.'

"I hope I live long enough to see Bush's view of his legacy come true! I'll be around a long, long, long time!"

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"Darling, there's an offer for a time-share nest in Florida: Should we apply?"

'Hand me the 'desperates'.'

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

H L Mencken.