Reading The News Gifts

"Now your expenses have been capped, will you be opening some of those wage packets?"

'Mya, you'll go nuts worrying about all the things you can do nothing about!'

'The stock market closed early today due to an outbreak of 'altitude sickness'.'

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"I've seen a tulip before."

Netanyahu versus Gantz

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

Government and Opposition

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

"Good news on Wall Street today"

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?