Watching The News Gifts

'The good news is...in all those black ominous clouds hanging over the world scene...somewhere, there's bound to be a silver lining.'

Seeing a man drownig and running off to contact the media

'I'm going to watch the news. Do you know where my rose-colored glasses are?'

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'Has the news finished yet?'

'The satellite photo shows...er...our top secret missile sites...'

"And that was the national news....Now for the obligatory 'end-of-the-news' World War Two item, to get the whole nation nostalgic for Churchill, powdered egg and mass slaughter..."

"I know your dad always watched the news when it was on, but back then it wasn't on 24 hours a day."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

Our Two Parties, Explained

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

Matryoshka/ Russian Gas Cylinders

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

'Son, voting isn't a rational procedure by which one strategically selects an electable candidate who will best serve your interests. Voting is an emotional response to your gut level fears!'

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

'What I have to do first?!'

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

Office of the Special Investigator: Stepped out to follow the 'money trail'.

"Hey... friends and allies can trust the USA!"

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''