Playful News Watcher Gifts

'...and now over to Humpty Dumpty for breaking news.'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

New Flavors at Where's the Scoop Ice Cream

'The only cuts we can all agree with are their cutting remarks!'

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

US election postal vote controversy

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

"Ok, ok, climate change is not a hoax!"

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

Scientist seen on loch.

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

"Good news on Wall Street today"

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

The Evening News

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'