Satirical News Watcher Gifts

"And, in a move sure to attract the attention of regulators, the private sector made a bid to acquire the public sector."

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

Creating dummy corporations for dummies.

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

Library: Self-Help Books and Blame a 'Rigged' Political System.

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Fiscal cliff

"In financial news, Greek shares continue their slide. Of note, International Feta Cheese continues to crumble."

Pop star weather report.

D. H. Lawrence

"No, no, your job's not going out of the country to some foreign bastard. We're just firing you."

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

The No-Spin Zone: Fox news( hurricane ).

'Sometimes I think you're on a different planet.'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

Best Sellers; Worst Sellers.

"Miss Winthrop, tell my callers that I'm busy with the World Bank."

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

"Die alone"

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

'Transistional Pope. Is that nice way of saying they hope he doesn't live too long?'

A well-dressed panhandler holds a sign that reads "Will argue for food".

TV and man

'For the sake of convenience everybody just calls me Joe.'

"I'm going to use my tax cut to trickle down on you all."

'Police have counted the dead resulting from today's disaster. However, they suspect that some of these victims may be just playing possum.'

'Which? Covid-19 Variant' Guide.

Celebrity 10 o'clock news...

"Some other news, China declares war on Peru, ISIS blows up the pyramids and the pope resigns. Now back to more comments from David Bowie fans."

". . . and if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be wed, any reason at all, like, say, something that might have happened after a long heart-to-heart and a few too many drinks, for instance, last week maybe, something you felt bad enough to bring to Confession, which you definitely should have, because it's pretty serious- anyway, speak now..."

"We know nothing. We'll be back in five minutes with nothing more."

"I know it's a foreign book...but I'm reading it with a local accent."