Satirical News Reader Gifts

'A rogue nation robbed the World Bank!'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

Creating dummy corporations for dummies.

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

Library: Self-Help Books and Blame a 'Rigged' Political System.

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'I'd say the nerve pain you're having in your jaw is due to an arrow through it, but perhaps you'd like to get a 2nd opinion from a dentist.'

Fiscal cliff

Pop star weather report.

The No-Spin Zone: Fox news( hurricane ).

"In financial news, Greek shares continue their slide. Of note, International Feta Cheese continues to crumble."

D. H. Lawrence

Declutter Your Life

". . . and if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be wed, any reason at all, like, say, something that might have happened after a long heart-to-heart and a few too many drinks, for instance, last week maybe, something you felt bad enough to bring to Confession, which you definitely should have, because it's pretty serious- anyway, speak now..."

'For the sake of convenience everybody just calls me Joe.'

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

Best Sellers; Worst Sellers.

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

'Transistional Pope. Is that nice way of saying they hope he doesn't live too long?'

'Police have counted the dead resulting from today's disaster. However, they suspect that some of these victims may be just playing possum.'

'Which? Covid-19 Variant' Guide.

Celebrity 10 o'clock news...

"We know nothing. We'll be back in five minutes with nothing more."

Farmed Salmon Restaurant - Everyone squashed together.

"I suppose I could fake it."

"I know it's a foreign book...but I'm reading it with a local accent."

"Sorry sir - our sun screen only goes up to Factor - 100..."

'I'm determined to get on that ethics committee if I have to bribe or blackmail everyone I know.'

"...Selected for redundancy due to lengthy and unexplained absence ... blah...blah..."

"Welcome to Vanity Workshop. For the next thousand years you're to read out the size labels you've removed from your clothing."

'Russian scientists have determined where the meteorite than injured 1000 people came from. Thet say, 'It's not from around here.''

"Your morbid curiosity about the afterlife is scaring the children."