Satirical Readers Gifts

'Every week a sum of money the size of this rainforest disappears to service the UK's national debt.'

"Your morbid curiosity about the afterlife is scaring the children."

Books. Fifty Shades of Grey. check Out. I'd like to return "Fifty Shades of Grey." I thought it was a guide to laundry for bachelors.

'The Rapture! It happened! We've been left behind!'

'I self-published a book on how to be successful. It forced me into bankruptcy.'

"Once upon a time there was a kind old bank that did not charge its customers a fee."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

Creating dummy corporations for dummies.

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

The trap

'I'd say the nerve pain you're having in your jaw is due to an arrow through it, but perhaps you'd like to get a 2nd opinion from a dentist.'

Library: Self-Help Books and Blame a 'Rigged' Political System.

Corporate Punishment.

Peace bomb.

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

D. H. Lawrence

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

That's nothing. You should see what he writes in the comments section.

Declutter Your Life

'It's good you called me when you did, Bill. Believe it or not, a little speed-bump like this can derail a perfectly good career if it isn't handled just right!'

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

'Which? Covid-19 Variant' Guide.

'Funny you should mention that - I happen to be involved in a joint research project with the Department of Agriculture for the express purpose of getting blood from a turnip.'

"It's the press. They want to know if you have anything to say about the sexual harassment charges being levied against you."

Best Sellers; Worst Sellers.

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.