Satirical Magazine Reader Gifts

'...you are not anorexic.'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

Creating dummy corporations for dummies.

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

Library: Self-Help Books and Blame a 'Rigged' Political System.

'I'd say the nerve pain you're having in your jaw is due to an arrow through it, but perhaps you'd like to get a 2nd opinion from a dentist.'

The trap

Corporate Punishment.

Peace bomb.

D. H. Lawrence

Declutter Your Life

'It's good you called me when you did, Bill. Believe it or not, a little speed-bump like this can derail a perfectly good career if it isn't handled just right!'

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

"Do you even care about evil anymore?"

"It's the press. They want to know if you have anything to say about the sexual harassment charges being levied against you."

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

Best Sellers; Worst Sellers.

'For the sake of convenience everybody just calls me Joe.'

'Which? Covid-19 Variant' Guide.

". . . and if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be wed, any reason at all, like, say, something that might have happened after a long heart-to-heart and a few too many drinks, for instance, last week maybe, something you felt bad enough to bring to Confession, which you definitely should have, because it's pretty serious- anyway, speak now..."

'The environmental impact should be minimal. In any event, we can work around it.'

Farmed Salmon Restaurant - Everyone squashed together.

"Sorry sir - our sun screen only goes up to Factor - 100..."

"I know it's a foreign book...but I'm reading it with a local accent."

"I suppose I could fake it."

'I'm determined to get on that ethics committee if I have to bribe or blackmail everyone I know.'

"And now a special report from 'News 4' Science Editor, Dr. Frank Lovell, on how to remove your own gallbladder."

"...Selected for redundancy due to lengthy and unexplained absence ... blah...blah..."

You're suffering from the current capital scheme in this country. Me? You and other small business people work your tail off. But the hedge fund managers make billions adding nothing to the economy