Satirical Reviewer Gifts

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

Creating dummy corporations for dummies.

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'