Satirical Gifts

'Your tests show you to be drug free ... and three months pregnant.'

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

Occu-Pie Mars

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"This position has become very important to the company."

"You're fired."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

Who will determine Venezuela's future?

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

UK/US Free Trade Deal

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

Life is for the birds.

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'