Satirical Viewer Gifts

1/2 Half Ton Mum.

''60 Minutes' will not be seen tonight, because all our reporters seem to have gotten themselves locked up in a Turkish prison.'

Just when I think violence on TV can't bother me anymore, that chef goes and debones a chicken!

'Talk about boring...these exercise programs all have the same plot.'

"Today we talk about political philosophy..."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

The city of San Francisco switches from cable cars to satellite dish at a cost of only $79.99 a month for the first six months.

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

Creating dummy corporations for dummies.

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

Library: Self-Help Books and Blame a 'Rigged' Political System.

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."