Satirical Viewer Mugs

1/2 Half Ton Mum.

''60 Minutes' will not be seen tonight, because all our reporters seem to have gotten themselves locked up in a Turkish prison.'

Just when I think violence on TV can't bother me anymore, that chef goes and debones a chicken!

'Talk about boring...these exercise programs all have the same plot.'

"Today we talk about political philosophy..."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

The city of San Francisco switches from cable cars to satellite dish at a cost of only $79.99 a month for the first six months.

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

The World's Biggest Book Club

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

Creating dummy corporations for dummies.

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

Hey boss, it's April 13th. A couple years ago, you said come back April 13, 2015, and we could talk about you giving me a raise. Yes, but that was predicated on the notion that you'd need a raise by now. I see you're still alive. Clearly you haven't starved to death. You smell minty-fresh, so clearly you haven't been forced out onto the streets. Karl Marx said it best: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." I'm pretty sure that is not what Marx meant.