Tv News Viewer Gifts

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

Tree house.

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

'Och lye the news'

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

Classic News.

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"Would you mind adjusting the vibrate on your phone? There's a seismologist on TV claiming there's been an earthquake in our neighborhood."

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

"Good news on Wall Street today"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."