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'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

Tree house.

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

'Och lye the news'

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

Classic News.

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

"Would you mind adjusting the vibrate on your phone? There's a seismologist on TV claiming there's been an earthquake in our neighborhood."

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'