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"The president has banned the Mexican wave and replaced it with the American wave... Also, empanadas will now only use American jumping-beans."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

Newspaper suicide.

'Can't you at least wait until half time?!'

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

Classic News.

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

"According to my phone, society is on the brink of collapse, but, according to our living room, things seem pretty O.K."

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

The Evening News

If Watergate Happened Now the Press Would Be Too Busy Reporting on Tweets

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

Fake News - Tabloid News - State-run News - Free Press

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"Good news on Wall Street today"

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'