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'Bush today placed Scott McClellan on his 'evil doers' list.'

A surgeon operated, while on the wrong side of the operating table, and is being sued for feng shui malpractice.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

Tree house.

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

Fear of news.

'Och lye the news'

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

Classic News.

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

Covid Lab Theory

"Would you mind adjusting the vibrate on your phone? There's a seismologist on TV claiming there's been an earthquake in our neighborhood."

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

"WIFI, Amazon, credit cards. Pretty much every password is named after me."

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."