News Viewing Gifts

"The president has banned the Mexican wave and replaced it with the American wave... Also, empanadas will now only use American jumping-beans."

'On the positive side, our forecast for today's sunrise was accurate, just you couldn't see it for all the rain.'

Trial by Media

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

Binge Watch

Netanyahu versus Gantz

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

Classic News.

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"I find wearing a mask helps."

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

'He gets confused switching channels between the World series and NFL games.'

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

"It makes me happy that you took time to read the newspaper today."

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."