Sunday Newspaper Routine Prints

"I'm going to get a paper. Be right back."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'That was fun!'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

Friday

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

A child interrupting family prayers

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Reading the sports pages.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

'Scientists say that crosswords activate brain...'

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"I've seen a tulip before."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'