Suburban Storyteller Gifts

When in Rome...

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

Did you know that suburban white males have over 100 words for lawn?

We'll be ok walking to the school bus stop. Watch out. There are scary folks out there! Slam! Ding dong! You let your children walk alone?!! Shame! And the scariest are nosy neighbors!

John Updike.

Mark and Gwyneth had a dark secret. At night, once the curtains were closed to the suburban world outside, the facade they put up to the neighbours was revealed to be 100 genuine...they were totally boring.

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

Channelling on the Cheap

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

Suburban street.

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

'Honey, it's not the Feds. It's the pseudo-feds.'

"Never mind the cat! There's a squirrel stuck in a rainspout over on Lang Road!!"

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

"I gave on the E train."

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

Autumn Leaves

Subway. The economy is surging! I hope protections are in place. In a digital world, a surge can lead to a system crash.

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

Metrocard error messages

"Still a freelance journalist?"

It was a nice neighborhood untill the A-holes moved in.

'My therapist suggested I redirect my anger into landscaping and gardening!'

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

"This here is a little number I wrote when I recovered a repressed memory."

Boarding House Kitchen

'The world's first riding lawnmower.'

Hadleyville Has-Beens

I Spoke Out On The Issues - Please Help.