Slum Storyteller Gifts

Boarding House Kitchen

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'He was a handsome young prince when I married him.'

',,,And we'd really like a heart for the Tin Man,,,'

"#notguilty."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Men dancing

Pavement Artist

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"A plague of frogs? Awesome!"

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

"It's 'Architectural Digest.' "

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

Teacher walking past drawings of suns casts shadow

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

"I think Simon’s been hit on the head one too many times."

'Your barn door's open.'

'From the very beginning we felt that defeating the Big Bad Wolf would be meaningless unless we could parlay it into a book deal.'

Philip Kindred Dick

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"