Slum Storyteller Pillows

Boarding House Kitchen

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

'He was a handsome young prince when I married him.'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"#notguilty."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Men dancing

Pavement Artist

"A plague of frogs? Awesome!"

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

"I think Simon’s been hit on the head one too many times."

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

Teacher walking past drawings of suns casts shadow

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

"It's 'Architectural Digest.' "

'Your barn door's open.'

'From the very beginning we felt that defeating the Big Bad Wolf would be meaningless unless we could parlay it into a book deal.'

'Honey, it's not the Feds. It's the pseudo-feds.'

'And the Angel of the Lord said unto them, 'Go fill all thy shops with overpriced tat, stuff thyselves sill for four months and see if thou canst get away with calling it Christmas.'

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"