Suburb Storyteller Gifts

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

Suburban street.

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

"I gave on the E train."

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

'Honey, it's not the Feds. It's the pseudo-feds.'

"Never mind the cat! There's a squirrel stuck in a rainspout over on Lang Road!!"

Autumn Leaves

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

"Still a freelance journalist?"

Metrocard error messages

'My therapist suggested I redirect my anger into landscaping and gardening!'

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

"The Imaginary Playmate Meets the Invisible Fence"

'The world's first riding lawnmower.'

statue in park: 'Arnold P. Rossiter, a local boy who went to the big city and made it big... and now he's back home, flipping burgers, just like we always said he would.'

Boarding House Kitchen

"Well, Charles, it wasn't a 'pesky little wasp,' it was a hummingbird."

I Spoke Out On The Issues - Please Help.

Hadleyville Has-Beens

'Well, that's just great...zombies! There goes the neighbourhood!'

"Hello Billy, how is your mother?"

'And me fresh out of xanax.'

"The house is staged beautifully. The only thing left is to tell Duane to go inside during showings."