Suburb Storyteller Gifts

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

Suburban street.

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

'Honey, it's not the Feds. It's the pseudo-feds.'

"Never mind the cat! There's a squirrel stuck in a rainspout over on Lang Road!!"

"I gave on the E train."

Autumn Leaves

It was a nice neighborhood untill the A-holes moved in.

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

"Still a freelance journalist?"

Metrocard error messages

John Updike.

Subway. The economy is surging! I hope protections are in place. In a digital world, a surge can lead to a system crash.

'My therapist suggested I redirect my anger into landscaping and gardening!'

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

Boarding House Kitchen

I Spoke Out On The Issues - Please Help.

"Well, Charles, it wasn't a 'pesky little wasp,' it was a hummingbird."

'The world's first riding lawnmower.'

statue in park: 'Arnold P. Rossiter, a local boy who went to the big city and made it big... and now he's back home, flipping burgers, just like we always said he would.'

"The Imaginary Playmate Meets the Invisible Fence"

Hadleyville Has-Beens

'Well, that's just great...zombies! There goes the neighbourhood!'

'And me fresh out of xanax.'

"Hello Billy, how is your mother?"