Neighborhood Storyteller Gifts

"It's said that if you hold them up to your ear, you’ll hear the sound of trash trucks."

It was a nice neighborhood untill the A-holes moved in.

'She's never been outspoken - nobody's been able to!'

"And finally...."

'Honey, it's not the Feds. It's the pseudo-feds.'

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

Writing an obituary for a small independent grocery.

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

'Do you realize he barked all last night?'

'You sure your dad won't mind if we use his silicone spray?'

The Consequences of an Interrupted Shower.

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

The Burbs

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

"It's been a rainy winter."

John Updike.

"Regular, grande, or lemon latte?"

Robinia Floribunda

'Uh oh. Wax moths! There goes the neighborhood.'

"Still a freelance journalist?"

"Your rose dust gets into everything, and your caladiums attract toads; and another thing: your damn marigolds are stinking up the whole area."

I Spoke Out On The Issues - Please Help.

Support your local bookstore

statue in park: 'Arnold P. Rossiter, a local boy who went to the big city and made it big... and now he's back home, flipping burgers, just like we always said he would.'

Hadleyville Has-Beens

"The neighborhood association wants to know why you're never at our meetings."

'It's the fellow in 9B.'