Suburban Storytelling Gifts

The Wentleys. As good as gold.

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"The trees are laughing at us."

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Beware of the Lawn

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

"Never mind the cat! There's a squirrel stuck in a rainspout over on Lang Road!!"

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

Hedge Car

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

Autumn Leaves

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

Moving Van.

"Still a freelance journalist?"

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"I'm thinking about moving out of the suburbs."

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

'My therapist suggested I redirect my anger into landscaping and gardening!'

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."