Suburban Storytelling Gifts

The Wentleys. As good as gold.

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"The trees are laughing at us."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

Beware of the Lawn

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

"Never mind the cat! There's a squirrel stuck in a rainspout over on Lang Road!!"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

Hedge Car

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

Autumn Leaves

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

John Updike.

"Still a freelance journalist?"

Moving Van.

"I'm thinking about moving out of the suburbs."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

'My therapist suggested I redirect my anger into landscaping and gardening!'