Spiritual Satirst Gifts

'It's a donut, I'm telling you. Go on, take a bite.'

Priest's 'To do' list.

Ghostwriting the Bible

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

The Ten Really Cool Facts

'Even More Disciples'

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

"I'm not only a Guardian Angel, I'm also an expert at turnarounds."

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"He wants us to start calling him 'Head Honcho'."

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

"I'll take new members any way I can get them."

"Whew! What a day! I just get out of bed and all Hell breaks loose."

2pm meet your Creator

Lesbians for Christ

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'How long do we have to get in compliance?'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'We've got truth, we've got enlightenment, and we've got serenity - what we NEED is media coverage.'

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full if you have a case."

"Looks like we're in trouble now...he's got four bars on that thing."