Snack Satirist Gifts

Inedible foods: Concrete cookies.

"Unbelievable! Even Internet cookies made me gain weight."

"We should throw out this hummus. I think it's become radicalized."

"When I said you needed to give him a more varied diet I DIDN'T just mean all 12 varieties of KRISYSNAX!"

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Honest Vending

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Two vegans, please."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'Jim's blogging his thought for the day. He doesn't have any profound thoughts, he just has one thought per day.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'People soup again?'

Breakfast cereal in the Treasury.

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'He asked me if I wanted to put anything on my burger, so I had a tenner each way.'

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

"I just had a terrifying glimpse into our snack."

Paranormal tips: sandwiches with crop circles may lead to marmalade stains on trousers

'Trying to sell these things is like flogging a dead horse.'