Snack Satirist Gifts

Inedible foods: Concrete cookies.

"Unbelievable! Even Internet cookies made me gain weight."

"We should throw out this hummus. I think it's become radicalized."

"When I said you needed to give him a more varied diet I DIDN'T just mean all 12 varieties of KRISYSNAX!"

It turns out they don't go together so well,

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

"Two vegans, please."

Honest Vending

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'Jim's blogging his thought for the day. He doesn't have any profound thoughts, he just has one thought per day.'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

'People soup again?'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

An everything bagel? You call this an everything bagel?

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

Breakfast cereal in the Treasury.

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

'He asked me if I wanted to put anything on my burger, so I had a tenner each way.'

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."