Shop Humorist Gifts

''Have you got any cockroaches?"

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

"Shopping! Now that's what I call quality time!"

Don't tell my wife. Dragon head.

"Some idiot spread the rumour that the boss had called in sick! Now look what's happened to the tobacco and coffee stocks!"

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

"Today, the yen shot up on news it is spelled differently from the 'Yuan'."

"How much is the sign?"

Seven deadly sins store

'No, Johnny - first you punch the airholes, and then you put in the hamster!'

'Today stocks dropped on news that the only thing to fear is everything.'

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

"You can't beat the prices of these big box retailers."

'Maturity: the instant-degratification phase of life.'

"Let's just get through the first aisle...then we'll discuss your impulse buying."

"Let's see now; rat's gizzard, bats wings, eye of newt....oh, yes. And cornflakes!"

"Back here in 30 minutes?"

Great moments in shopping

'I can't tell you what I spent for reasons of national security.'

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

"That reminds me - it's about time to feed the little fella."

"Well, Mr Baskerville, the only puppy hound I have left is this little guy right here." A legend is born.

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'...Have you ever once thought about my wants?! It's always about you, Polly! You!'

'In today's stocks... small caps rose on news big company stocks fell...'

"I'm not sure. Maybe it's my wife's butt size I'm thinking of!"

'Lucky they've got a glazer'.

'It's you.'

"Did you say 'plummet', Mr. Casey? We don't use that word around here. We say 'downtick'."

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

"If I keep predicting a market crash, eventually I'll have to be right!"

'He certainly knows how to make a customer feel welcome.'

"If you want something firmer, I suggest you try our flooring department."

Fresh milk - Self service