Shopping Humorist Gifts

'I'm sorry love; these are no good - they're shares, not gift vouchers.'

Fresh milk - Self service

'Lady, your 'just browsing' is costing me 23 security cameras and 3 floor detectives.'

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

"No tropical fruit? It's enough to make a mango crazy!"

Great moments in shopping

Market items.

'The store was out of light bulbs, so I got lite beer instead.'

Consumer Optimism Survey.

"Let's see now; rat's gizzard, bats wings, eye of newt....oh, yes. And cornflakes!"

"I'm difficult to shop for. I wear a size extra medium."

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

"Shopping! Now that's what I call quality time!"

Pirates at the mall.

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"How much is the sign?"

Man stands in front of rows of kangaroos next to a sign that reads "Final Clearance - Entire stock of kanagroos".

"Let's just get through the first aisle...then we'll discuss your impulse buying."

'No, Johnny - first you punch the airholes, and then you put in the hamster!'

'Maturity: the instant-degratification phase of life.'

'SALE! One Million Dollars Per Bike!!' by saying, 'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'

Santa checking out sleigh beds.

Low income vampires.

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

'I can't tell you what I spent for reasons of national security.'

"Back here in 30 minutes?"

''Have you got any cockroaches?"

'It's you.'

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

"Footwear's upstairs, Sir"

"I'm not sure. Maybe it's my wife's butt size I'm thinking of!"

Woman walking past Five Guys.