Humorist With A Shopping Twist Gifts

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

"Shopping! Now that's what I call quality time!"

'How much would you take off for cash?'

Pirates at the mall.

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"Sorry, Martin, but because you're the weakest link in our food chain here, you're fired."

"How much is the sign?"

Man stands in front of rows of kangaroos next to a sign that reads "Final Clearance - Entire stock of kanagroos".

"Let's just get through the first aisle...then we'll discuss your impulse buying."

'Maturity: the instant-degratification phase of life.'

'SALE! One Million Dollars Per Bike!!' by saying, 'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'

Santa checking out sleigh beds.

Low income vampires.

'I can't tell you what I spent for reasons of national security.'

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

"Back here in 30 minutes?"

"Let's see now; rat's gizzard, bats wings, eye of newt....oh, yes. And cornflakes!"

Great moments in shopping

"Footwear's upstairs, Sir"

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

'It's you.'

"I'm not sure. Maybe it's my wife's butt size I'm thinking of!"

Fresh milk - Self service

Sign in the front window of a shop that reads "50% off all worthless merchandise".

Woman walking past Five Guys.

Missing Person: Last seen shopping

'He's been visiting IKEA with someone else.'

Crap Nav

Toothpaste mental shutdown.