Shopping Satirist Gifts

Express lane - zero items.

National Shopaholics Anonymous.

'You're right, dear, these self check out lanes really are fast, especially if you don't scan anything.'

Animal Crackers. It says "Contents may settle." What about malcontents?

'Of course the rate of depression goes up on Christmas. The malls are closed.'

'He's been visiting IKEA with someone else.'

'I need some help finding the perfect gift for that not so perfect someone.'

Crap Nav

'I'm sorry, we have a bring your own policy here.'

'Go ahead, take one -- just think of it as shopping.'

Toothpaste mental shutdown.

'Do you have to return everything I buy you, Helen?'

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"Footwear's upstairs, Sir"

"Thank you Madam. That will be £5000 plus 5p for the bag, of course..."

Snacks, Condiments, Necessary Evils.

Aisle 3 Loaves and fishes

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

'If it's not on the shelf - we don't have it!'

'Mind if I go ahead? I've just one can of dog food.' - 'Goodness no. If you're that hungry, go right ahead.'

Lame Entertainment Book coupons.

Gross pig size!

"We should come window shopping more often."

Pirates at the mall.

Contry and Western shopper

'Some achieve fame. I've achieved a stack of catalogs full of sticky notes.'

"Retail-shopping re-enactors."

Express Checkout. 10 Items or Less. For English Majors: 10 Items or Fewer.

Groceries. I put my money where my mouth is and it goes straight to my hips.

Woman walking past Five Guys.

No Longer Needed

Money 'n' Things

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?