Shopping Satirist T-Shirts

Express lane - zero items.

'You're right, dear, these self check out lanes really are fast, especially if you don't scan anything.'

'Of course the rate of depression goes up on Christmas. The malls are closed.'

'He's been visiting IKEA with someone else.'

'I need some help finding the perfect gift for that not so perfect someone.'

Crap Nav

'I'm sorry, we have a bring your own policy here.'

'Go ahead, take one -- just think of it as shopping.'

Toothpaste mental shutdown.

'Do you have to return everything I buy you, Helen?'

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"Footwear's upstairs, Sir"

"Thank you Madam. That will be £5000 plus 5p for the bag, of course..."

Snacks, Condiments, Necessary Evils.

Aisle 3 Loaves and fishes

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

'If it's not on the shelf - we don't have it!'

'Mind if I go ahead? I've just one can of dog food.' - 'Goodness no. If you're that hungry, go right ahead.'

Gross pig size!

"We should come window shopping more often."

Pirates at the mall.

Contry and Western shopper

'Some achieve fame. I've achieved a stack of catalogs full of sticky notes.'

"Retail-shopping re-enactors."

Woman walking past Five Guys.

Money 'n' Things

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

They get into debt so fast these days...

"Before we made the leap to cyberspace, our stockholders made us promise we'd maintain a traditional street presence, too!"

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

'I just couldn't think of the word poultry.'

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

'The stuff legends are made of'