Home Shopping Humorist Gifts

'I got it from one of those home shopping shows. You're guaranteed to burn twice as many calories as your meal contains.'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

Don't tell my wife. Dragon head.

'Is the fire included?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

How to Build a Bungalow

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"How much is the sign?"

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'SALE! One Million Dollars Per Bike!!' by saying, 'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'

Oh, yeah, we love having a walk-out basement.

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

Low income vampires.

Shop signs.

"The carpet really brings the room together."

'That must be the termite inspector.'

Great moments in shopping

"Let's see now; rat's gizzard, bats wings, eye of newt....oh, yes. And cornflakes!"

"So I said 'Would it kill you to do a little yardwork?'"

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"We'll take it."

'I forgot to close the door?...Seriously? Who puts a door on a hole?'