Sermon Sleeper Gifts

REALLY boring sermons

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

Night-time halo

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

The Sleeping Congregation.

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

"That will be the gold standard by which all other naps are judged."

Snooze Alarm for Mole.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Male On Sunday

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

'The nurses tell me that you're having trouble sleeping, so I thought I'd try a sermon just to help.'

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"...And forgive the congregation member who left their cell phone on and it rang during the sermon!"

'No more Mr. Nice Guy...'

"Jenkins has always been good at saving energy."

"Actually, my species is not nocturnal: I'm just a teenager..."

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

'I'm not going to bore you with a long sermon to-day - here's one I recorded earlier...'

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

'Would you like seating in snoring or non-snoring?'

A caveman sleeps with a club labelled 'Snooze' whilst a beaten looking rooster stands by.

Doug Coe