Sermon Snubber Gifts

"Sorry. We're strictly store-goers."

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"I've got a better view on my smart phone."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"Any yet he's always on my case."

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'Crabs, sharks, octopi...'

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

'The nurses tell me that you're having trouble sleeping, so I thought I'd try a sermon just to help.'

'The pastor is the one who tells all the kids to be quiet and sit down.'

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"Oh, hi Pastor, I figured I didn't need to go to church - I ALREADY felt guilty."

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

'I'm not going to bore you with a long sermon to-day - here's one I recorded earlier...'

'Would you like seating in snoring or non-snoring?'

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

"I don't know how he does it. He preaches entire sermons without using the words like, cool or awesome."

Fortunately the Pastor didn't realize it, but his wife's new 'mod' hat was actually a clever disguise for two canisters of coffee.

"The long prayer peek."

Church sign.

"After the Great Seagull Reincarnation, we'll spend eternity stealing sandwiches and defecating as we please."

'More options!'

Doug Coe