Sermon Snickerer Gifts

'Is this guy serious?'

"That's the preacher's dog."

'When my business turned into a lemon, I made lemonade....but that also failed when nobody liked its taste'

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

The Sleeping Congregation.

'I hate to tell you... it's not 'amber waves of gain'.'

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'The nurses tell me that you're having trouble sleeping, so I thought I'd try a sermon just to help.'

"That's right, Robert. Santa sends us a copy of his naughty and nice list, and we send him our students' grades."

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

Theory of Gravity

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

"...lettuce pray."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

"I'm a pastor. My job is to speak 20 minutes on Sunday and listen the rest of the week."

'Would you like seating in snoring or non-snoring?'

The sermon was so boring the Preacher put himself to sleep.

Fortunately the Pastor didn't realize it, but his wife's new 'mod' hat was actually a clever disguise for two canisters of coffee.

The final proof that they were closer to humans than we ever thought.

'I can remember when you only had to worry about delivering good sermons.'

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself. . .feel sorry for those who have to work with you!

'With the possible exception of my husband, we all enjoyed your sermon, Reverend.'

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

"Oh, very well - make that life with the possibility of parole."

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

"Don't get your hopes up, Buster."

"The way you kept yelling my name I thought you needed help!"

'And then it happened. Halfway through your sermon, my insomnia was miraculously cured!'

'The service is over, Ed. You have to wake them up.'

"Sorry. We're strictly store-goers."

"I really envy my left foot...it slept through his entire sermon!"