Separated Friend Gifts

"She said she needed more space, so she left me!"

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"Hey, Brian. I can't make it to the park today, but I'll be there in spirit."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

Staying Single Explained.

"Have I ever hugged you, Elkins?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

"I'm leaving and I'm taking your iTunes with me."

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

'Remember when I threatened suicide the first time you went home to your mother!'

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."

"Lover’s leap" "Wife toss"

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

As part of the divorce settlement, Bob takes over his ex-wife's small business.

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

'I'm sorry Roger, it's not you, it's the way you move, it's just so bizarre.'

"'Vengeance is ours,' saith Courtland, Mumford & Blaine."