Self-pity Performer Pillows

'Has there ever been such a sickly group of rugged individualists.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"He's brilliant, exactly like me, and a lower paid version."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

Bad Scalp Day

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

"Long term I'm worried about global warming - short term, about freezing my ass off."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

'I've not had enough sex in my life - and I can't do poetry for toffee. . .gosh, could I murder a coffee.'

"I'm sorry, but we can't be responsible for which way the arrow points."

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

Photographer

'Loser on Board'

Books called: "Will Never Be Finished", "Ain't Gonna Happen", "Nope" etc.

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

'Felton,has it occured to you that you may have taken a talent for self-effacement a bit too far?'

"It's very me, but I hate myself."

'Why do they always pick on me...?'

"If you weren't a donut you could be a model."