Self-pity Performer Gifts

'Has there ever been such a sickly group of rugged individualists.'

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"He's brilliant, exactly like me, and a lower paid version."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

Bad Scalp Day

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

"Oh, Jeez! A pube in my tea! How the heck did that get there?"

"Long term I'm worried about global warming - short term, about freezing my ass off."

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

Actually, calling me one-dimensional isn't much of an insult

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

Photographer

It's a trade-off. I'm ugly as all get out, but I have great peripheral vision.

'I've not had enough sex in my life - and I can't do poetry for toffee. . .gosh, could I murder a coffee.'

"I'm sorry, but we can't be responsible for which way the arrow points."

Books called: "Will Never Be Finished", "Ain't Gonna Happen", "Nope" etc.

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

'Loser on Board'

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

'Felton,has it occured to you that you may have taken a talent for self-effacement a bit too far?'

"It's very me, but I hate myself."

'Why do they always pick on me...?'