Self-deprecating Jokers Gifts

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'My arms are getting shorter.'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Dentist as psychoanalyst with tooth patient on couch

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

Bad Scalp Day

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Sticker: 'How's my driving you nuts?'

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

Cool comb over dude!

'It was a gift from AARP.'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

Lightning Bug Bullies

Dog with recurring nightmare.

It's a trade-off. I'm ugly as all get out, but I have great peripheral vision.

'I've not had enough sex in my life - and I can't do poetry for toffee. . .gosh, could I murder a coffee.'

"I'm sorry, but we can't be responsible for which way the arrow points."

'Loser on Board'

"I should warn you. Men are animals, and I'm no exception."