Satirical Marriage Bets Gifts

'I knew I was being generous giving it six months!'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Yes ... no!"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."