Sarcastic Lovebirds Pillows

"You'll do."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

You're the botanicals in my gin

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

Love Trap

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'Know something? Love IS wonderful!'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Will you marry me?

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

But Darling, how could I possibly have an affair?

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Cat Stops Cupid

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"I'm not whining."