Sarcastic Lovebirds Gifts

"You'll do."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

You're the botanicals in my gin

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Cupid paints Stop sign

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

Love Trap

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'Know something? Love IS wonderful!'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Will you marry me?

But Darling, how could I possibly have an affair?

Cat Stops Cupid

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.