Sarcastic Joker Pillows

'Now known as 'Christmas Creep', it takes place earlier each year!'

I clawed my way to the top and all they gave me at the end was a manicure.

"Do you like it? It's a Countdown To The End Of Our Relationship clock."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Redhead

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"How about fashionably never?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."