Sarcastic Dad Pillows

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

Tolls: Must have exact change and tails up.

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

Pet shop with recipes stand outside.

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."