Sarcastic Dad Pillows

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

Tolls: Must have exact change and tails up.

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

Pet shop with recipes stand outside.

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

The canteen food's pretty awful...

Didn't we fire you last week?

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"I think I'll just leave a hate tip."

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19