Sarcastic Parent Sympathizer Pillows

"-and to think THAT was once our little bundle of joy!"

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

Personnel: 'I promised Mom I'd call her when I got here safely - do you mind?'

'Here's my report card and here's my personal disclaimer.'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Pet shop with recipes stand outside.

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"Daddy, you're not going to give us a sermon on responsible behavior, are you?"

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!