Sarcastic Parent Sympathizer Pillows

"-and to think THAT was once our little bundle of joy!"

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

Personnel: 'I promised Mom I'd call her when I got here safely - do you mind?'

'Here's my report card and here's my personal disclaimer.'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

Pet shop with recipes stand outside.

Didn't we fire you last week?

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"Daddy, you're not going to give us a sermon on responsible behavior, are you?"

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'