Sarcastic Pet Enthusiast Pillows

Pet shop with recipes stand outside.

The practical psychopath

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Kittens are cute, but I was thinking lion or tiger.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

''No, Ma,am', I said. 'I'm not taking anybody's pet pig for a walk in a baby carriage' and then she doubled my salary.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

Joe's Vet and Taxidermy

I'm with stupid.

'I've finished your horoscope, Bucky.'

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

The role of administration.

"You didn't tip the paper boy."

"As always. . . make sure to warm up . . . to avoid injury. . ."

'I should have seen it coming - my best man was her lawyer!'

'I was recently at a baseball game and they were shooting my people out of a gun. When does the madness stop!? You'd never see that happening to the soup folk.'

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

"My boss combines the impulsive joie de vivre of Ebenezer Scrooge with the empathy and comradeship of a tarantula. Less hair, though."

"I hear the workers hate your guts, Batson. Keep it up."

For service, ring bell ONCE, then...

"Dang, that place smelled like ass."