Dysfunctional Family Sympathizer Pillows

"Now, here's a show we can relate to...'Dysfunctional Family Feud'."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'I don't want this job. I worked all my life and retired. I like being retired.'

No need for you to read this. You seem to have got it to a fine art.

'Geoffrey's Tourette's is acting up.'

Personnel: 'I promised Mom I'd call her when I got here safely - do you mind?'

"Instead of a bedtime story, how about strapping a bottle rocket to your doll and setting it off in your little brother’s room?" "Brad was a terrible father."

Just your average family holiday portrait.

"Daddy, you're not going to give us a sermon on responsible behavior, are you?"

Later that day, little Johnny got in big trouble for playing with them.

'If you can hear me, Larry Gligstein, please send a text to 555-703-7193

'Let's switch sides. My feet are killing me.'

"It's no bed of mice and string for me either."

"It's father, doctor, he's creaking badly."

"Here, let me wash the dishes."

Right v. Wrong Side of the Bed

"Look, honey! All your lost eye glasses have mysteriously migrated to this drawer, and now they're plotting their next escape."

'There it is again...that mysterious feeling that we're clipped from a newspaper and hung on someone's refrigerator.'

"-and to think THAT was once our little bundle of joy!"

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

Family acid trip

"Someday all this Corona stuff will be over, and we'll return to our normal level of dysfunctionality."

'You bet I'm resentful! By the time I was his age you'd had me neutered and declawed!'

Then again, maybe I'll just let the humans handle this one.

"Everyone knows I'm, man's best friend, you're more of an acquaintance."

"Go … get … your … mother."

Happy Mothers Day!

'Tell them we're temporarily out of deep concern. Will they settle for shallow compassion?'

"You can stop smiling... I just said I wanted a divorce to see if you were listening!"

"No, no, that's not a sin, either. My goodness, you must have worried yourself to death."

"Anyway, it was nice talking and talking while you stood there in agony waiting for the opportunity to say even one word."